Disappointment.

I am angry.

Angry with myself.

I have let myself, and in turn, my family down.

I failed to do something and now it has caught up with me. I knew it would, and yet somehow, I hoped I would be able to remedy it before it got to this point. 

Ignoring things does not make them go away, no matter how hard we try to wish it so.

Now, as best I can, I have to repair the damage, hopefully before it becomes so great that it cannot be fixed. I also must remember that I brought this upon myself, there really is noone else to blame. So no matter what the kiddos, or hubby, or dogs do, I am not angry with them, it is me I am most upset with at this moment. 

It is me I need to change.

My friend Dania posted a beautifully written note on her facebook yesterday. I would like to share it you:

The more you claim your own destiny, the easier it will be to love unconditionally. 

My friend Juliette has this as her status today, and I feel it needs to be shared, and explored in more detail.  Lately I've been hearing a rash of judgments and catty attitudes around me.  I've been hearing a lot of criticism of others for their choices, their faults, and even their personality traits.  And most of this is being done behind people's backs; in a cruel manner, not in a way of concern. 

I am not above all this.  I have fallen into the trap of talking behind someone's back.  I have been catty and judgmental and critical, and I'm not at all proud of it. 

But here's what I have discovered:  the times when I have found myself doing it are the times when I am not happy with MYSELF.  Deep down I have felt frustrated, depressed, or even mad at myself.  Maybe it's because my house is a mess and I don't know where to start, so I just keep letting it get messier.  Maybe it's because I'm not getting exercise, so I'm feeling lazy and out of shape.  Maybe it's because I have an upcoming deadline and can't drag myself away from the computer.  All of these things can make me mad at myself.  But at the time I am feeling that way, it is often hard to admit it, or even realize it.  So that frustration is directed at other people.  Have you ever walked around your house and yelled at your spouse and kids for their messes?  What do your own areas look like during those times?  Probably just as messy and disorganized, but you're feeling frustrated, so you lash out at the people around you as if it is all their fault that the house got that way.  

This isn't a note about keeping your house clean.  That's just one example of being mad at yourself deep down and taking it out on others instead of addressing yourself and making the changes YOU need to make.  It's easy to see what other people are doing wrong.  It's hard to look at yourself and truly admit that you need to make changes.  And even harder to actually make those changes.  If you find yourself judging someone else or talking behind someone's back, take a minute to stop and reflect on yourself.  Are you perfect in the area that you're judging someone else for?  If you truly take a hard look, I'll bet it stops you in your tracks.  Because if you were feeling confident in yourself, why would you even care what someone else is doing?  Unless you want to truly help them or offer support, in which case you wouldn't be talking behind their backs. 

I am finding that I am happiest when I am actively working on bettering myself.  I am feeling positive because of the changes I am working to make, so I am less likely to be critical of what others are doing or not doing.  Instead of judging others, I feel empathetic towards them because I am addressing my own faults honestly and know that "I have no room to talk."  It makes me want to give them my support.  If you have been through a rough time and gotten support from others, you know how good that feels.  If you have received judgment and criticism for your choices, or for just being who you are, you know how crummy that feels.  Which one makes you want to be a better person?  Support or criticism?  Love or judgment?  Do you want to live up to someone's expectations if you feel they are criticizing you or talking behind your back?  Do you want to be the kind of person who gives love and support or the kid of person who gives criticism and passes judgment?  When someone has believed in me and given me their support and encouragement, it has made me want to live up to their expectations and improve myself and my situation.  When someone has criticized and judged me, it hurt, and it didn't make me want to be any better or do any better for myself. 

"The more you claim your own destiny, the easier it will be to love unconditionally." 

Are you taking charge of your life?  Are you taking charge of your own destiny?  If you are, you will be more likely to want to give your support and love to others, because you are supporting and loving yourself and feeling good about it.  You will be in a positive state of mind.  Things that other people are saying and doing won't bother you so much, because you will be focusing on improving YOU.  And giving your love and support to others will make them want to do the same.  So start by loving yourself and doing what you can to make YOU the best person you can be. 

*This note isn't meant to be an admonishment, and I certainly don't mean to sound like I'm on a high horse.  It's just some stuff I've learned, and some stuff I still struggle with, and I think maybe others could learn from it or gain a bit of insight.